Why you can't get a boyfriend.

Could you be your worst enemy?

Maybe you have asked yourself: “why can’t I get a boyfriend”? Here’s the story to will illustrate the problem. Stella is with her friend in a Starbucks. In the beginning of her 30s, Stella is cute (after all, Stella means star in Greek). She says to her friend that she struggles with men.

“I don’t know what it will take to find a man” she says sadly. “Sometimes time if feel that it’s impossible to find someone”.

Her friend nods. She has the same difficulties even if she doesn’t talk about it that much.

Suddenly a man comes near the ladies. He seems to be in a hurry but, in fact, he’s smiling. He takes a sip in Stella’s cup of coffee.

“What the… Shawn!”

“I have found a guy for you, Stella”, interrupts Shawn. “He’s just perfect for you.”

Stella hesitates for a few seconds. Then she asks:

“What colors are his eyes?”

Shawn is surprised.

“Is he tall?”

“W-well… He’s French”, says Shawn

Stella’s friend says that’s a good thing.

“Listen. All you have to do is to take a coffee with him”, says Shawn. “I take care of everything. I will call him; he will say yes for sure”.

“But you know that I don’t drink coffee…”

“STELLA. DO YOU WANT TO FIND A MAN, YES OR NO, DAMN IT?”

About auto-sabotage

What auto-sabotaging looks like? Basically, it’s a combination of conflicting thoughts about achieving what you really want. Think about the movie Runaway Bride. Now, I don’t know exactly what are the issues Stella is dealing with. But there’s no doubt: those troubles are slowing her down, making her research more difficult. Generally, auto-sabotage in dating comes when you put all your focus on tiny details. You’re always on the critical mode. The man has to be exactly the way you want him to be. The date has to be exactly the way you have dreamed it. Now this attitude is a symptom.

Because in fact, auto-sabotage is the result of the way to see life in general; it the result of your self-image.

Do you think that you deserve to be with a man? Tell me about your vision of life in general?

How to stop auto sabotage in your love life.

Be true with yourself

Of course, the first step will be to accept that very often, you ruin your chances to find the man of your life. This is maybe the hardest part of the process. It’s so easy to see the others doing mistakes; It’s difficult to recognize the fact that we are doing wrong to ourselves. Pay attention to your thoughts, your desire, and your fears. Would that be possible that there is a conflict? For instance, you want to find a man. But you are afraid that this man could violent or verbally abusive (just like your ex or your dad, for instance). It if that’s the case, it will take some time to admit it. No problem: take your time.

It’s your time to play

Usually when you find and admit that there’s a conflict inside of you, the rest of the process will follow naturally. Here, you will say:

“OK. If I have this issue, it means that I’m a part of the problem. So it means that I’m not stupid. It’s not over. I can do something about it”.

That’s what taking charge is all about. I don’t like the expression “taking responsibility”. Looks like this expression says that you are a coward. No. It’s just that you could not see what was going on before. Now you do. It’s your time to play.

Play the detective

Once that you have noticed that there is a conflict inside of you, it’s the time to look further. Try to find the pattern that express your fear, your state of mind (to know more about how to observe your emotions and how to deal with them, read the article How To Mend My Broken Heart? 2 solutions To Help You Feel Better).

You say that things were easier back in the days.
You think that all the good men are already in taken.
You feel in your stomach a kind of fear when you meet someone. “What if something is wrong with this guy”
You always find a reason to postpone a date
You are always focusing on unimportant details. Sometimes, you are even obsessed with them. Always looking for perfection is a way to sabotage your love life.
When things look serious, you start to pull back.
You think that nothing is free in this world. So you have to fight hard for everything. Even for love…

Get rid of those who are holding your back

You will see that you have tendencies to listen to people who share the same fear and apprehension with you. Pay attention to this pattern. Think about what those persons are saying. Are those ideas similar to those you want to get rid of? If the answer is yes, then it’s time to put some distance. It doesn’t mean that you will have to stop being their friend. You will just stop having certain discussion with them: especially those about love, life and family.

Understand that you are a woman of quality

This is the final step. It will crown all your journey. It’s time to understand that you deserve happiness, to be loved. Where will you begin? Start appreciating your own existence consciously.

What are you proud of? Think about it. Take some time to feel that moment. Appreciate the fact that you have done something great.
Have you helped somebody lately? Are you proud of it. Why? Feel the moment.
Talking about the present. Create some wonderful moments where you will be alone with yourself. You could just enjoy a bubble bath. Be attentive to the way you feel. Be close to your emotions and to your sensation.

Happiness and the feeling that you deserved to be loved comes with the intensification of those emotions and sensation you are building. It’s just like charging a batterie.

Put yourself on the charge right now, lady.

Promised?

Conclusion

This is the way to stop being your worst enemy in your love life. Be attentive, be open to your own thoughts. Be ready to accept the conflicts you have inside. Then nourish yourself with great feelings, great thoughts.

Do you have any questions? Any comments? Please share them with us. There’s a little box below. I’ll be more than happy to read your thoughts.

You understand that you don’t have to be your own enemy.

Now go! And find your amazing man.

Love,

Jo Fontaine

XOXO