Oh, boy… Fear. Isn’t that a pain in the neck? When it’s there, it seems that it never wants to leave you. Of course, that feeling comes when you don’t want (yeah, guess that’s exactly what fear is all about). Fear is there exactly when you want to talk to that awesome guy near you.
“But what if he is not interested? What is if he says something just to hurt me? What if…”
And so on…
What can you do to get rid of it? Well, here are some ideas…
My cousin is now ready to talk about that guy. She dated him only a few times (now it’s over). One day, he said to her that before he decides to have a child, he will have to be 100% sure that the couple is solid. The way he said it, means that he want to be certain that the couple will still be together 10-15 years later. Well this is what everybody hopes: a long life of love and happiness, right?
But how can you be sure of that it will happen with the person you are with right now?
Unfortunately in love, like in everything else, things changes. It doesn’t mean that getting married is the first step to divorce (there are plenty example that show that it is not always the case). It just means that even for an old couple, there will be changes.
How can you be sure of anything?
So I put my guitar on the stand and say. Dear, that guy is afraid. He’s afraid to be heart-broken He’s afraid to be “ripped off” in case of a divorce.
My cousin is speechless. Her mouth is open…
Accept the way you are
She knows a lot about fears (me too, by the way). The first thing you can do is to accept that you are afraid. You know, in the past, accepting fear what mostly men’s problem. Back in the days, men had to be tough. Today, it’s different. Women are supposed to be strong too. More and more ladies try to hide their fears behind their fast judgments. Are you one of those women?
Try to listen to your body, to the tone of your inside voice. Hear how you sound when you are ruminating on some negative thoughts. Can you detect some fear?
Am I too big?
Maybe I not pretty enough?
Will I ever find a new boyfriend because I have 2 children?
What if I approach that man? Will he reject me?
All those questions are normal. Usually, specialists say that the lack of confidence leads to anxiety. I will not talk that much about confidence today. But have you noticed that a lot of professionals of well-being tend to describe confidence as a state of mind that occur when you have no fear at all?
Look at the story of great athletes. Read the biography of great warriors (OK, maybe these are mostly men’s reading but it worth to take a look). Many of those leaders acted despite off their fear? Of course, you are not a warrior (well I guess). But you certainly can act like one of them. In this video, Angela Ceberaro explains to you how it can be done.
You can just see and accept your fear. So they do not criticize themselves over and over.
So the first step is to be gentle with you. Think about a kid who’s afraid to talk to a clown. Would you be hard on him or on her? I don’t think that you are that kind of rude person. But hey! Tell me. Why are you that rude with yourself?
I’m such a coward…
I don’t understand why I am afraid like that. I hate myself!
Got to stop that. It’s silly!
Yeah, maybe you are rude with yourself. Think about it. Imagine that your fear inside is a little girl who’s scared to death. How would you talk to her?
The real you
So now you know that blaming yourself might not help. The only thing you will get is frustration. But that’s not it. You will get that frustration over the fear that you already have.
Now, that a lot of negative feeling, don’t you think?
The fear you have happens inside of you. But what is that “you”? Well without getting to far in metaphysics and philosophy, I will say that: do you remember when you were on a beach or in a park, just lying down near a tree. Try to recreate that wonderful feeling. You did not have to ask yourself any question about your future, your past. Just the present was important.
And the present was just all right.
When it happens, you are in contact of your real you. You can find the real you, for instance, at a party. You have sooo much fun. You are laughing and all your problems are gone: the only thing that matters is the now. Nothing else. Feeling great is a great weapon to use when fear shows its face. In fact, it’s not surprising that the great Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh said:
“Every time you smile at it (your fear), your fear will lose some of its strength”
Well how can you look at your fear without starting to judge yourself? One idea is to think about the baby inside, like I said before. Another technique is to use the experimenter/ observer technique.
The experimenter/ observer technique.
Visualize this. You are about to talk to a man you really like in your office. Bet you can hear your heart beating, right? That’s because you are playing your own part in the movie. Try this: play the role of one your colleagues. You only see the scene through his/her eyes. You are now in someone else’s shoes. Now, you see a woman (hey she looks just like you!) getting near that handsome man.
How do you feel?
This technique is great because it shows you that you can create some distance between you and your fear. You can even start to work on your doubts and erase get rid of them (to know how to do that, read the article destroy your doubts). You can look and observe what happens just like if you were watching a romantic movie. Now you use your imagination. But you can use that technique in real life too. It will just take a little practice…
Creating a character
“Say hello to my little friend”- Tony Montana
I know, that quote is a bit… Well…
But you will find that this phrase makes sense: to create some distance between you and your fear (without creating any rejection and without having negative thoughts), you can give a name to your feeling.
You are afraid to be rejected, and here you say:
“Hey, Christina. You’re back again, darlin’ ”.
I mean, if you can see your fear as a baby, you can certainly give it a name”.
With time, you will notice that every time a fear or any negative thought pops up in your mind, you will say:
“Oh, really? Look at this… Hum…”
Hope the best for you, lady.
Do you have any questions? Any comment? Surprise! There is a little box below just for that.
Now you know that you are not married to life with your fear.
Go and find your amazing man!