The dating survival kit

It happens on both sides.

“I’m so tired of all this…”

I know, lady. Dating can really hurt. You are looking for the right one. The man that is ready to commit. To know more about you; The one that is not scared of a successful woman. Someone whose life is not an emotional mess.

But gosh! It seems that this task is almost impossible.

Sure, you realize that, in this word, everybody has some issues. I still remember a discussion I had with a friend two years ago. She was miserable after a speed dating event…

“I mean, Jo…. Do you realize? The first thing that guy said was: “have you ever been betrayed by someone you cared about?”

I rolled my eyes. No doubt, everybody needs to get better in communication. In couple or not, it’s important for everyone. Books like conversation chemistry are a great help for that. But this dude would need to pay attention to every chapter he will read!

“Guess that man has no clue of what to do when he’s with a woman. He had some bad experiences and now he’s scared to death. But he feels that he can’t just stay alone.”

Now, is that your problem? Well, yes and no. You do not need to get other’s emotional issues in your life. You have enough problems on your own. So is there a solution? Yes there is!

“I will survive!”- Gloria Gaynor

Imagine. You are in your favorite restaurant. You ask your date what his dreams are. What is he passionate about? You already know that he will bring back the same old record that you have already heard before. It seems that men have passed the notice: “Always give the safe answers.”

That is if they have any answers at all.

But anyway, you are not really listening. All the questions that you ask yourself days after day still have all your attention. How long will it take? How many blind dates until I find the right one? Where is he? Why I can’t find him? Time is running by…

So you are very serious in pursuing your goal. The man in front of you has to qualify himself. You have no time to lose. He has to past the test. That guy will find himself in one of those 5 boxes.

• The “hell no!”
• The “ugh”…
• The “Hum…maybe”
• The “potential”
• The “yeah! I want him, i want him!”.

You know what? All this is hard work. And the worst is that, doing so, you forget something very important:

You forget the golden rule of dating.

 

Dating is supposed to be fun.

Yes, dating is supposed to be fun. It’s the ideal moment to know more about the other one. The time to discover his taste, his dream, is hope. It’s not supposed to be a kind of job interview. Unfortunately, this is the kind of mind frame when we date someone the first time. So it’s everybody’s fault.

This is the kind of society we live in. The great philosopher Kant warned us about the tendency to use people as a mean. Today, we are only evaluating things and people with the results we get from them. But dating is a process. So what can you do? First, pay attention to the way you think and remind yourself this:  as dating is concerned, all the fun is in the journey. You will not find it in your destination.

And having fun in the process is the best way to not get burned while you are looking for your man.

 

Who’s that boy?

“But Jo, it’s not easy to think about having fun when you feel like you are dating morons after morons.”

OK, here’s one idea: try to switch your mindset form “I look for the one” to “I want to know who’s that guy”.

This is the best way to remove some pressure on you. You know, when you are thinking about finding the right one, there’s the option that you fail. It’s scary, it hurts. Put your switch on the “who’s that guy” option and you may find that the guy you are dating is a loser. But you will not take it that personal (after all, it’s not your problem, right?).

My sister gave me an excellent example of that state of mind. See that movie in your head. The man is an engineer. Looks like he hates his job. As soon as the date begins, things start to go wrong. You see, my sister has a lot of dreams and projects. She’s a singer, a pretty good writer. She’s an event organizer. A bright woman.

The man’s only occupation, besides his job, is to play pool and drink beer with his friend. Nothing wrong with that. But he has no dreams. No project at all.

Nothing.

In fact, very frustrated, he asks her:

“Why are you an artist? You will not make any money with that.”

My sister still can’t believe her ears. She’s laughing as she tells me that story. Sure, I recognize that a story like that can hurt. But the wound is not that deep.

Have no expectations before meeting a man, it will help you when you find yourself dating a loser.

(I know my words are a bit harsh. But I see you like a friend)

Have no expectations but discover. And if it deserves it, laugh about that experience and try to move on.

 

I like it that way

Another good way to have fun in the date is to ask yourself this question:

“What do I want to do anyway?”

I mean, if you love rock music and you have the chance to go with your new date to a free outside rock concert, you may hit two targets with one stone. Think about it: it doesn’t matter if the man is not the right one, if he’s boring. You will love the moment (thanks God, rock and roll is here to stay).

Is there a new restaurant you want to try? A new coffee shop? Never been at the museum? And you would like to pay a visit? Here’s the opportunity! You can’t lose. And if the date was a good one, it’s even better.

Oh, by the way. I know that some men are not interested in anything. Museum? Nah! Music show? Don’t know… Afghan restaurant? What’s that?

Hum… Do you really want to lose your time with that dude?

 

 

That’s what friends are for

Here is a wonderful technique that I used a few years ago. Go and visit your friends a couple of hours before the date. Have a good time with them. Have fun. Do that and there is a good chance that you will be less nervous when you meet your cute guy. You will be more relaxed. Do your best to have that “everything’s cool” attitude. It will help you if something goes wrong with your date. After all, you just had fun a few hours before didn’t you? You have other great moment s with your friends in the future. So why bother?

There’s no need to get hurt when you are dating. In fact, with time you will find more and more ideas to make your date more fun and avoid most of the inconvenient.

The key is to keep in mind that the journey is the most important. Have fun and one day you will find that man: the guy who could be the right boyfriend for you (and who knows, the right husband).

Do you have any questions? Any comments? Feel free to share them with us in the little box below.

Now girl, you know all about the golden rule.

You have your dating survival kit.

Go and find your amazing man!

 

Love,

Jo Fontaine

XOXO